The psychologist ED was once a caregiver of patients with depression, and he knew that the setbacks and challenges he faced would never be less than the ones being cared for. Therefore, he decided to speak up and put his own experience into words to help each caregiver consciously. Be aware of your own feelings and maintain your physical and mental health.
Text｜ED
“Opening the door of the house, as soon as I entered the room, I saw the ceiling collapsed, the room was unbelievably chaotic, and there was a broken and discarded rope in the corner. At this time, I immediately felt something was wrong, and I hurriedly looked for her figure before I saw it. She huddled at the foot of the bed, staring at me absentmindedly, her eyes empty and lifeless as if her soul had been drawn away.”
“I feel terrified and sad from the bottom of my heart. I can’t imagine what happened today, but thankfully, it’s good that she’s still alive.” – Excerpted from my diary
I used to be the partner of a person with depression, and I accompanied him through many difficulties and challenges caused by the disease. Therefore, in addition to understanding the pain and struggle of the person with depression, I can also deeply understand the partner’s Helpless and difficult.
In this article, I share with you the challenges we face when we become caregivers, and what we can do for ourselves or each other, from my role as a partner and psychologist of a person with depression.
Image｜Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
What challenges do carers face?
In the process of companionship, it is inevitable to encounter many challenges and difficulties. Let me share the two most impressive parts:
1. Take on a lot of negative emotions
One of the symptoms of depression is depression. The patient is prone to feeling depressed, crying and irritable; depression lasts for a long time and occurs very frequently.
In such a situation, the large and frequent negative emotions of the depressive patient will continue to appear, and it is absolutely difficult for the caregiver to stay out of it.
For me, I am like a kettle that can fill up 500cc. I usually fill a lot of water following work. However, when I get home, it is not only difficult to pour out the water, but also to accept a large amount of water from the other party. (2,000-5,000cc).
To keep myself from being submerged, I always need to force the water out, or forcefully contort myself so that I have enough room to keep filling. But either way, following a long time, I was already tired.
Further reading:A Psychological Look at Relationships: Attitudes in the Face of Negative Emotions, Determine the Quality of Intimate Relationships
2. The shadow of self-harm or suicide
Depressed patients are prone to self-injury, suicidal thoughts or behaviors. As long as this happens once, the negative memory will follow you like a ghost, making you unforgettable.
At that time, the depression of the ex-girlfriend was quite serious, and the number of self-injury or suicide attempts had been numerous, whether it was cutting wrists or hanging from the building.
After the first time, I kept thinking in my mind, “Will there be another time?” I was always in a state of trepidation.
With the second, third, and Nth occurrences, my thinking changed from “Will there be a next time?” to “When will it happen next time?” …
I remember that every time I went home, I always needed to take a deep breath at the door, anticipate the scary pictures I might see, and prepare myself in case I mightn’t accept it later.
This state of constant depletion of my energy, endless pressure and worry weighed on my shoulders all the time, even when I slept I was worried regarding whether she would commit suicide. It was really hard to have a moment of relaxation.
Further reading:A song for you｜Zhang Huimei’s “Remember”: The survivors of the suicide, how to continue?
Before taking care of others, you must take care of yourself first
As a caregiver, many times you put the needs of the other person first, but don’t care regarding your own needs, which may cause some hidden worries.
That is to say, when your own needs are ignored by yourself or others for a long time, there may be some dissatisfaction in your heart. These dissatisfactions continue to accumulate, and may be subconsciously vented to others through various means. To avoid the above situation, it is very important to take good care of yourself.
Here’s how I keep myself going during the caregiving process:
1. Support System
Whether you are looking for a friend, family member, or a psychologist, there must be someone who can understand and support you.
Taking care of this road is lonely, especially when everyone’s attention is easily focused on the person being cared for, and the hard work of the caregiver is often difficult to see and understand.
Someone’s company and understanding can make you more powerful to go on. I highly recommend talking to a psychologist.
If you are a student, you can make more use of the resources of the school’s counseling center. I think I also relied on weekly conversations with the psychologist to have enough energy and space to take on the pain of the other party.
Image｜Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
2. Try to maintain the original pace of life
Don’t sacrifice your original pace of life in order to take care of the other person. For example, at that time, I had a habit of regular exercise every day. Even if the other person was emotionally unstable or hospitalized, I would try to maintain this habit.
Maintaining the original pace of life will give you a sense of control, which is very important for caregivers, because the disease is changing, and the process of care is often in a disordered state, so it is very important to consciously maintain your own pace of life. important things.
Further reading:“Just keep at your own pace” Stop drowning in self-blame and listen to ten gentle words of advice from women’s obsessive readers
3. If you are upset, you still have to say
To put it simply, when you are dissatisfied with the other party, don’t keep the words in your heart because you are concerned regarding the other party’s condition. I think it is necessary for the other party to know.
Of course, it’s not that you want to make a cut when the other party is down. The timing is very important. You should wait until the other party’s situation is stable and you can communicate with them before talking regarding your feelings with the other party.
Why is it so important to speak up? I think there are two reasons.
First, when you don’t speak, these emotions are only temporarily suppressed, and then you may unconsciously vent them in various ways (for example: speaking louder, more and more impatient);
The second is to let the other party know your needs and what she needs to adjust, so that the other party may change, otherwise the two sides will easily fall into a vicious circle.
Image｜Photo by Bangkok Click Studio on PIXTA
Besides seeing the doctor, what can you do to help the other person?
1. In addition to finding a support system for yourself, you must also find a support system for the other party
In the process of caring, “being a hero” is the most taboo thing. This is absolutely necessary to avoid, otherwise you will soon be exhausted.
Try to find various resources that can support each other, such as: trusted friends, family, teachers, faith, hospitals, psychologists, etc. Let these resources come in, not only can help each other, but also give you more breathing space.
2. Trust each other
It is very important to believe in the other party, especially for people who are prone to take care of the other party too much.
Some caregivers tend to weaken the care recipient, which means that they do not believe in the other’s ability, and only see the other’s weaknesses, but not the other’s strengths.
Without this seeing, too much care will only make the other party need you more and make the other party weaker, which is not a good thing.
I think that being a caregiver is not regarding being an almighty nanny, but more like a guide, adjusting your contribution according to the situation of the other person, so that the other person can rely on yourself because of your help. stand up.
Image｜Photo by Yes, Kittus on Unsplash
3. Find something the other person is interested in, and then do it with the other person
This varies from person to person, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
Depressed people tend to get tired of things, so if they find something they want to do, they should keep their hands on it and keep it going.
When my ex-girlfriend and I went to church together, it was because faith helped her a lot. We have also painted and created together, or raised small hamsters together (animals need to be thoughtful). These small things can help each other survive many painful moments.
Pay attention to whether you have the intention of “not wanting to make the other person better”
“Co-dependence” is a negative dependency relationship, meaning that one partner may focus on the other in the relationship, lose himself, and must rely on this relationship to survive (depressed patients), while the other party is excessively craving Others need and depend on themselves to establish their own worth in life and to obtain psychological satisfaction (caregiver).
You can think regarding it, have you satisfied with the process of caring? Or, does the role of caregiver allow you to escape something?
Co-dependence can easily occur when you become overly dependent on the relationship for things you don’t normally get, or to escape from things you don’t want to deal with.
Further reading:Little People Stories｜Glioma caregiver Daniel: After she left, she taught me to look at life once more
But what’s wrong with that?
From the perspective of the care receiver, the care receiver may become weaker and weaker in the relationship in order to meet the latent needs of the caregiver and cannot get better.
In this way, it can not only meet the needs of the caregivers, but also meet the needs of being cared for and cared for, so it will eventually evolve into an unbalanced relationship in which one party constantly takes care and pays, and the other party constantly weakens and accepts.
In the end, what I want to say is that no matter what you do, the process of caring will be full of hardships and challenges, but you will also encounter many warm and touching moments. I wish you and the people you take care of, everything will go smoothly.