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Third
THE QUESTION:
I have a couple of relatives that I really don’t like, but I can’t help but see them. I don’t know how to deal with it or how I can make it more bearable.
Maria Jose, 40 years old.
THE ANSWER:
Any person in our circle can be unpleasant or even dislike many people. It is part of life and there is nothing wrong with it. “Considering that in this specific case the person is a direct relative, it is very important to start by working on the feelings of guilt that this can cause. He is part of human nature and that he belongs to the family does not ensure that he is a persona grata. It does not even depend on the affection or gratitude that you may feel towards that person, it is enough that his way of being is not compatible with yours to experience feelings of displeasure”, says Constanza Toro Larrañaga, Ontological Coach.
In this sense, it is relevant to establish limits that are comfortable and make us feel safe in an uncomfortable or even hostile space. “The idea is not to evade family commitments or take greetings from a family member you don’t like, but to try to be with that person as much as is fair and necessary, without forcing yourself to do anything you don’t want, or feel indebted just because he or she is a relative. . Learning to say ‘no’ is always one of the most difficult and important tasks, because it is the word that helps us define our personal space, not only physical, but also emotional. Make it clear, for example, to what extent the closeness of that person accommodates you, ”recommends the coach.
little exposure
What you feel is important and although it can be uncomfortable, it is still valid. These situations happen, it is not something that is chosen. That is why more than negotiating, the important thing is to define.
“Communicating discomfort makes it easier to gain understanding and support from other family members. Also, the limits should be determined by you, and not do things just to please others or avoid conflicts. For example, when another family member asks to do something you don’t want for ‘the good of the family’, it speaks more of selfishness, little empathy and lack of validation when feeling personal. Instead of completely withdrawing from family events, a good strategy is to expose yourself a little: not paying attention to certain conversations, not sitting next to the person, bringing to consciousness what you feel and understanding that it is not bad or unimportant, but it is something natural and more common than you think. Do not feel guilty regarding it, but rather act in a way that makes you feel good”, suggests Constanza.
What if I feel guilty?
It will always be better to validate feelings than to try to deny or cover them up. As unpleasant as it may be, acknowledging what is happening to us is the first step to recovering well-being. “By acknowledging it is easier to take responsibility and take charge of the matter, take action. It is counterproductive to insist on why, since it is very likely that in this case there are no compelling or ‘reasonable’ reasons to justify your feelings. Nor is it useful to force yourself to like the person and thereby increase the instances of contact. From time to time you can make some effort or not close yourself to the possibility of improving the relationship, and if something can be done regarding it, welcome, but the important thing is that it really happens from the genuine feeling of wanting to do it, which is also a decision personal. Never force yourself or transgress yourself, because that also generates feelings of guilt and anger towards yourself”, advises the coach.
